I Can’t Look

Today I am exactly like so many parents who are facing a new phase in life that they are SURE that they are not quite prepared for. 

Today marks the last day of elementary school for my girl. Tomorrow she will join her classmates in a little ceremony that declares that she will move forward into…wait for it…

Middle school.

Oh, I can hardly type it. Did I spell it right? I closed my eyes.

I know you are probably thinking, “Just stop. It’s natural! They grow and, yes middle schoolers have lost their minds amidst all of those raging hormones, but she will be FINE! JUST fine!”

Yeah.

Here’s the thing… I have NO idea what the plan is for next year. None! Zip. NADA. Do you hear me? NOTHING.

The school that we are slated to attend is large, and we need special ed classes. The district does not really offer the type of class that best meets her needs once they hit… yep, Middle school.

We have her on a waiting list for a charter school. She’s 15th, which is good and sounds promising, BUT she’s 15th. She’s not IN.

Ok. Yes, I have considered home schooling and it is an option. Kinda.

One of the issues that she faces is that she really NEEDS to be with kids that are typically developing. Yes, I know about Co-ops. I know we can do all kinds of things that helps her be with other kids. It’s just that she WANTS to go to school. She loves it. She wants to be with the teachers and kids and she loves the structure and she’s enjoyed everyday of being there…even when it’s hard and she can’t do what the others do… she loves it.

My friends are sick of me. This is all I have talked about and asked for prayer for since the first day of school this year.

Ya’ll that’s a long time.

They really should break up with me.

You know… I have been claiming in the waiting Isaiah 49:16. “I have you engraved on the palms of my hands and your walls are EVER before me.”

I know God knows the plan. I know He loves us and that His ways are best and that in the waiting we grow and trust Him more.

But there are just days that in a mama heart it’s hard to believe that it’s really all going to come together!! It’s just true. There are times that we don’t believe that He is in control and we think that He’s taking too long to show us His plan.

Yep. We think that. AND What does He do? He just keeps loving us and holding our hands and telling us to trust.

What would be awesome would be a sign…. A neon sign with a big arrow hanging over the location would be awesome! OR a big BUSH could just catch on fire near the school of His choice would help!

It could happen.

You know, in the scheme of things this decision is big, but it’s not going to be the death of us if we have to wait. We may even have to start in a place that we didn’t think we would and just keep our eyes on Jesus until He shows us.

I just might have a couple of meltdowns between now and then.

Yesterday in Sunday school we talked about making decisions out of our emotions vs. making decisions out of what we KNOW to be true.

What I know is that God has a plan for our lives (Jeremiah 29:11) and  that He is with us where ever we go (Joshua 1:9). I also know that He said in Isaiah that our children will be taught by THE LORD and great will be our children’s peace. AND I know that He is sovereign and that He is always on time. ALWAYS.

You ever wonder if He waits on us to quit having meltdowns so He can speak? Because I also know that He speaks in a still small voice and when I have a meltdown, sister… I have a MELTDOWN!

So, here we go. Summer’s coming and we have no plan. I guess this is the adventure of walking with Christ and trusting His hand when we can’t see His plan.

Wait! Is that smoke in the distance!?