Here's What I Want to Say

I love Jesus. I love Him and I want to live for Him and be changed by Him every day of my life. I do not want to be changed just one time and then let that be my only encounter. I want to encounter Him every day.. ok.. every minute of every day.. for the rest of my life.

I want to know His love. I want to know His freedom. I want to know His forgiveness.

I want to know Him.

I do not want to be satisfied with who I am and I do not want to be complacent to live like I have this life figured out. I do not.

His willingness to even look my way amazes me. Why He would want to spend time with me or fighting for me is too much to get my mind around.

How can He be so patient? How can He show so much grace when I mess up so many times? How does He love me like this?

How can He take His Word and use it to transform my mind and heart into something that I no longer recognize? And then when I forget His word... when I struggle to spend time with Him... when I treat His promises with flippant attitudes and lack of respect He STILL chooses to have mercy on me and meet with me when I decide to come back.

How?

I want to be more like Him.

I want to have such love for others that they may not understand.

I want to have peace that calms every part of anxiousness within me.

I want to have joy... joy that is deeply rooted in who I am and not in my circumstances.

I want to extend grace and patience when it seems that there is none left within me.

I long to be kind. Not just kind to strangers, but kind to my family and kind to those who are not use to someone being kind to them.

I need to be gentle. Gentle with others. Gentle with my husband. Gentle with my child. Gentle without an ounce of judgment.

I want more of Him and less of me. I am tired of me. I am tired of my foolish choices and my lack of control and my restless heart. I am tired of the attitude and the thoughts of being better than someone else. HOW am I better than ANYone? I am not.

I remember when I told the Lord that it was me and Him. I was alone with no family around and no friends to speak of. It was sweet fellowship. A sweet time of total dependence on Him and Him alone. I want that again. No, I don't want to do away with my friends and family, but I WANT that total dependence again.  I want that full abandon, total dependence, total trust, total ME AND JESUS time to come back and be a normal part of who I am. Not a season. A LIFETIME of me and Jesus.

People are people. They try, but they are human. Circumstances are ever fickle and uncertain.

Only Jesus is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. I can not continue to live thinking that any person or any circumstance will fill me. They will not. They cannot and it's unfair to expect them to.

Only Jesus. He is the only one that protects, loves, forgives and holds all things together perfectly. I want to know Him more and more everyday. I do not want to stop this pursuit of Him. Ever. Not ever.