It’s time to be very honest.
God is working in me anew. It is something to celebrate. It is something to stand in awe of. It is something that I long for with my whole being. I want to be a woman after God’s own heart! I want to honor Him.
I am seeing that, though I asked Jesus into my heart at 10 years old, I have more to learn about being a Christ follower than I can wrap my bleach blonde head around. I have so much to learn about love… sacrifice… honesty. I have so much to learn about truth and laying down my own agenda for the wonderful plans that He has. I want to be obedient and eager to learn from His very alive and active Word! I want to dwell in His tabernacle and know His voice so that I do not miss a word when He speaks.
So much of my walk has been about me. As I look back through my life I see that I have been extremely self-centered and have come to God on MY terms more times than I’d like to admit. Slowly He is chipping away at me and helping me to see that my best laid plans are so trivial and worthless. Only HIS ways have lasting impact and are God honoring. It is hard to admit, but now that I am beginning to see how others might view those of us who claim to be Christians, I have definitely been a hypocrite… pretending to have things ALL figured out and acting as if I am some super Christian.. oh! Just thinking about it makes me sick. Let’s just say that a humbling process is taking place through the people that He is bringing into my life. They are showing me what REAL life is about and how only HIS grace is sufficient. I have NO answers and can NOT be prideful as if I have all the answers. I CLEARLY and PLAINLY do not!!
Several months ago my daughter was riding in the backseat of the car looking through my well worn and written in Bible. She said, “Wow! Mom! Look at this!” She kept turning and came to some places without writing. She said, “Umm, mom? Why is it that some pages have writing and some don’t?” I said, “Well, I have taken notes where I have heard a sermon or done a Bible study or written a prayer for you!” She quickly replied, “Well, these pages with NO writing? I guess you have to study those! You need to get busy!”
Oh, how right she is!
I realized that I have never done a real in depth study of David’s life- the VERY man that had a heart after God’s own heart. Yes, I grew up in Sunday school so I have read about David and Goliath, Bathsheeba and Jonathan, his friend, but I have never really studied the books of 1st and 2nd Samuel. The opportunity recently presented itself at our church and so I dove in! Wow! I am already being challenged to look at myself differently and see the Lord as The God of Kings! I pray that I have a true heart transplant over the next several weeks! I pray that God will do a work in me like He has never, ever done and that my walk with Him becomes more about Him than me.
This old girl is not ashamed to admit that there is a new spot inside my heart that I have never sensed before. It’s an open spot that is ready to be filled with God’s agenda. I am protecting this spot. It can not be filled with anything that is of me. I want it to be filled to over flowing so that it consumes my ENTIRE heart with EXACTLY what God wants for me. I can not wait to see what He reveals!